no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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