I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
