I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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