I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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