she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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