Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
