your parents love me but you hate me
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
