Sry I called you an 8
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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