i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Randomize
