you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
