went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
