i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
