Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize