The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
