Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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