I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
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