just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
