apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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