Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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