My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Less talking, more tequila
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
