My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
