girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
