TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
