I am in a vortex of obligation.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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