I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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