Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
