i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
