youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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