You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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