So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
