I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
