3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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