I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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