Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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