Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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