what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
