i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
