I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
