yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
