smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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