she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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