I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
