No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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