***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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