direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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