I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
