Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
