Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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