I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
