I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
