Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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