Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
