that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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