so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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