Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
