I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
