He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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